I AM SO SCARED

I’m so scared of living. I’m so scared of myself. I’m so scared of what I’ve become. I’m so scared of everything

I can’t calm myself down

I can’t stop my mind from battling itself

I can’t stop thinking about dying

I can’t stop panicking internally

I can’t stop myself from cutting

I can’t stop myself from hating myself

I can’t enjoy anything

I don’t want to be in my own skin anymore

I just want to escape and never come back

Relapsing(?)

It’s getting worse and worse. I’ve been eating a little more than I’m used to, but the voices are stronger than ever. These couple days have been the hardest. I gave in to urges several times… (still haven’t gone more than 3 days without purging sigh)

I can feel the pounds piling on and I don’t know what to do. My mind is a mess. Exams are next week but I don’t know the contents of my subjects because I haven’t been fuelling my brain properly for it to operate. I am dying inside but no one knows! The pressure is on. Someone stab me please.

Failing

Hit rock bottom today.

My mind is a fucking pain in the ass to deal with, I can’t eat anything without logging it onto Cron-o-meter first. I can’t allow myself to feel contentment because I long the feeling of hunger.

Since I’ve admitted to more people about me being vegan, they have started to put me down, and shame veganism. I can’t believe how people are minded in a way that my choice of lifestyle is significant to their lives? Like honestly it does not affect them at all. I am doing my part to save the planet – if you don’t support me, that’s fine, but your abashment is absolutely unnecessary.

My mental state is a mess, it’s already extremely difficult to cope. It is no help AT ALL that people are making ignorant comments about veganism and my diet, that I obviously take personally, which simply makes me feel useless and inadequate.

It makes no sense to shame a person’s lifestyle, let alone someone who struggles immensely with food and terrible self-hate. It’s ridiculously disheartening and damaging.

I feel so attacked and useless right now, all I want to do is bury myself in a hole and rot. I have no significance in the world and I’m a waste of space.

Nobody is proud of me so I might as well just give up.

TW

I haven’t gone more than 2 days without purging. I feel weak and shaky all the damn time, but proudly unstoppable.

What has my life come to?

– sincere apologies for the extreme negativity –

I have lost my motivation and energy to live

I have lost my positivity

I have lost my friendliness and personality

I don’t want to see anyone anymore

I don’t want to talk to anybody

I just want to be alone

I am in the depths of my eating disorder with a love-hate relationship for it

I am obsessed with the feeling of emptiness and the sensation of being hungry

I have an irrational conceptualization of calories eaten and burnt

It’s getting absolutely absurd and my life is ridiculous

I am hopeless… I don’t deserve support or help or anything other than to die

I don’t know anymore

There’s nothing left for me to live for anymore…

Suicidal thoughts are back and anxiety is getting bad again! I don’t know how much longer I can endure this recover – relapse cycle for, but certainly not long. It’s just so hard existing with such a negative mindset and an obstructive mental disorder. I don’t even think I deserve to call it a ‘disorder’ since I have not been diagnosed at all, although physically I am sick, and mentally I am ill. I no longer have a passion for blogging, which is absolutely staggering because it was the only way of disentangling myself with reality, but now I lose myself every day to the ‘disorder.’ From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, the voice constantly yells at me and makes me feel horrible about myself, but I don’t know how to fight it, I can’t do this anymore, I just don’t know anymore. help.