Giving Up

I’m in denial of my eating disorder. I am frail but I refuse to acknowledge the needs of my weak body. My insides are failing and dying but I disregard their screams for nourishment. My head is all over the place but I dismiss my severely troubled mind. I have ruined all my friendships but I ignore every opportunity to fix them. I have no motivation to do anything and I am giving up on life. I am in denial of my struggles, I disdain myself.

*Trigger Warning* –

purged two times today but i ate afterwards so i am a fraud. i don’t have the willpower to starve after throwing up. i am fat and unworthy of recovery. sorry.

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I’M BACK!! ..but not better

Hey guys.. sorry for being MIA for the past two months, (not that anyone really follow my blog though)… I have been going through an extremely hard time and just couldn’t bring myself to write anything, not even in my own diary. (which is ridiculous because I love journalling) I guess that was just me trying to block out the challenges that I’ve been facing, in my attempt to make myself forget this part of my life. Unfortunately, this is reality, and I have to accept that this is my own life, and only I am responsible for dealing with it. I’ve done so much harm to both my physical and mental health that I’m a completely different person now.

Quick update: (TW sorry) Since my health is so SO bad after restricting and purging and all that, I have decided to ‘recover’ although I am undiagnosed of anything.  I am completely aware of the health issues that I am dealing with right now and my mental state is currently all over the place. This ‘recovery’ process has not been going very well though… I purge every few days and I can’t help it. There were several times where I’ve managed to fight the urges, but most of the time I give in…which is horrible because my concentration is completely off, and I can’t finish any school work. (in fact I have an assignment due tomorrow and I’ve spent half of today making zero progress on it, because I CAN’T THINK PROPERLY.) Classes are also super hard to get through.. with constant headaches and helplessly drifting away. My hair is brittle and falling off so quickly, my eyes are puffy, my bones stick out and bruise my skin, I can’t wear jeans because they’re too loose, many of my clothes just hang off me, and my boobs are pretty much non-existent. I’ve lost my period for 7 months now, my depression is getting worse, my social anxiety is getting worse. There is obviously a lot more to the list, but I can’t think of anymore right now, so I’ll leave it at that. All in all, I really really want the old me back, my energy back, my grades back up, and I want to grow taller. Quite frankly I’m so fed up with this thing that’s making me scared of eating, and scared of listening to my body. I labelled myself as ‘recovering,’ but I really wasn’t eating a lot more – certainly not enough to repair the damage done. I can’t get my mental state back together and I have no idea where this blogpost is going..

Sigh. I don’t know where my life is going either. I’ll update y’all more frequently and I hope for more people to join me on my journey! I’ll try to be more consistent with my blogposts and I WILL TRY TO BE POSITIVE! Sorry for the depressing post but I felt like I had to get that off my chest, although it’s only a small part of it, but that’s okay. I’ll survive. Stay strong babes!

Lots of love x

Dealing With Triggers

It is inevitable that many things trigger our manipulative ED thoughts, such as people around us talking about dieting, skipping meals for fun, how ‘fat’ they’ve become etc….Sometimes topics like these are just a pain in the arse to sit through and listen, without it feeling like being stabbed ten times hard.

It is extremely common (well for me at least..) for people to comment on your weight, whether it be a ‘compliment’ on your ‘weight loss’ or a criticism on how ‘pale and lifeless’ you look. These are all huge triggers that makes us think that our actions are justified (i.e. it is okay to purge/restrict and you look so much better when you’re boney, or that you don’t deserve recovery).. but that’s not the case. It is not okay to purge. It is not okay to restrict. It is not okay to give in to any ED behaviors.

You do not need to be skinny and dying. You need to be healthy and happy. You have to recover.

When you hear other people discussing about their new ‘diet’ or the ‘plans that they have to build a summer body’, remember that they have not been through extreme starvation like you have, and that they probably (most definitely) won’t be sticking to it because they are all extremely unsustainable and stupid diet fads that don’t work! If your friends eat less than you during one meal, it doesn’t mean that they are starving themselves.. they have substantial amount of energy and food in their system because they have not been through a phase of restriction. It is COMPLETELY normal for us to feel much more hunger than ‘normal people’ do because our body simply needs more nutrients than them to repair our entire body. It requires a certain amount of food to keep you alive and you shall consume the food that it needs.

You may worry about judgements being made on your eating habits or body appearance but I can tell you that nobody really notices, it’s just your irrational thoughts telling you otherwise. I am 100% sure that other people will not be looking at your body and commenting on the ‘flaws’ that you see, because they don’t exist – again it’s your ED fooling you! Food is fuel and you need fuel to repair your fab body!

Try not to take note of the things that other people say, and certainly do not compare yourself to others. They do not have to repair and recover because they have not done any severe harm to their bodies, but sadly you have – and you need as much energy that you can possibly get so that your body can recover properly. Triggers are everywhere but you just have to fight them with your strength and determination of a strong recovery.

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🙂 x

Reassurance

Everything is wrong…Nothing is going the way that they’re supposed to. I can’t do this anymore.

But I wouldn’t want anyone to feel this way!! Ever. Because I know how much it hurts and breaks me from the inside. ..So I stole a few motivational and somewhat uplifting images from Tumblr and just thought I’d share it on here, for both myself and anyone who needs it. I hope that you’re all okay and just know that you are not alone. Most importantly, it’s okay to not be okay.

Remember that. I promise that you are worth it. Please take care of yourself like you would take care of somebody else going through the same thing. (Don’t beat yourself up over it) ❤

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Take some time to pamper yourself – have a cup of coffee/tea, read a book, take a nap, enjoy a bath, eat some chocolate, do whatever your heart desires.

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No one’s perfect!

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Listen to this cute giraffe okay? 🙂

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It will be difficult but I hope you take care of yourself. This journey will undoubtedly be a struggle, we are in this together!

How To Be Strong

How to be strong? I’m still in the process of searching for an answer to that.. tips, anyone?

My mental state of mind has been HORRIFIC these days, I am losing my strength to keep it together. For the sake of my family, I put on a smile everyday, and for the sake of my friends, I try to not be a downer every single day. But the strength to please everyone is slowly fading away.. I don’t know how to be strong anymore.

There is so much going on in my life that I cannot bear to contextualize, I feel so alone, so weak… In addition to that, I’m leaving for America in 2 weeks. That is honestly both terrifying and anxiety provoking. I’m attending a summer course at Brown University (anybody going? I need to feel some sort of security ahh omg), but what if I don’t make any friends there? What if I get made fun of? What if I’m not good enough? What if I am completely incapable of coping with reaching American standards? (I’m obviously not American so) What if the teacher hates me? What if my room mate refuses to be my friend? Oh my, what if I mess everything up and embarrass myself on the FIRST DAY?

WOW my mind is literally flooding with stress and worry right now.

Oh and, EVERY SINGLE DAY I wake up way too early and can never fall back asleep. I constantly feel a throbbing pain on my chest, and absolutely I hate going to school. (I hate interacting with people..scary)

AH I just hope that I had a friend who understands my situation.. but truthfully I could never rant to anybody because I’d feel awful bothering them… so I guess blogging will do.

I’m so sorry for the extreme negativity… it has been a tough week for me.

But I hope you are all doing okay. Lots of love x

Eating Numbers

When I look at food, all that comes to mind are the numbers of calories, fats, carbs, and proteins that it has – and that’s not okay. Food nourishes our bodies, and satisfies our mind/cravings, it should never be torturing nor stressful to deal with. Food is fuel, and it should not be defined by numbers. Same with humans, our worth is not – and should never be – defined by numbers.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have to learn to see food like normal people. We have to learn to choose meals by listening to our cravings and not choosing the lowest cal/fat/carb option every single time. Sure, sometimes we’ll crave a salad, and that’s okay, but sometimes we just have to give in to what we’re craving, be it a cooke or a fricking pizza. BUT it’s not that easy. In fact, it’s not easy at all. Our disordered eating have brought us a fear of food and calories, have made us think that the lower the numbers, the better. (same with our weight and Instagram likes…) But should numbers ever be such a big part of our lives? Never!! I thought we all hated math? hahaha…

Anyhow, I just want to learn to live my life without thinking about food every single second of the day. I want to enjoy eating out with my family and friends. I want to learn to eat what I want without feeling the guilt. I just want to be normal and eat food, not numbers.

Lots of love x

Pointless Post

I have been struggling so much recently. Everything is spiralling downwards – it just hurts so much, you know? I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I honestly have no motivation to do anything. Finals are next week and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. I honestly want to blog more but I literally don’t have the energy to concentrate on writing anything legible.