I AM SO SCARED

I’m so scared of living. I’m so scared of myself. I’m so scared of what I’ve become. I’m so scared of everything

I can’t calm myself down

I can’t stop my mind from battling itself

I can’t stop thinking about dying

I can’t stop panicking internally

I can’t stop myself from cutting

I can’t stop myself from hating myself

I can’t enjoy anything

I don’t want to be in my own skin anymore

I just want to escape and never come back

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Relapsing(?)

It’s getting worse and worse. I’ve been eating a little more than I’m used to, but the voices are stronger than ever. These couple days have been the hardest. I gave in to urges several times… (still haven’t gone more than 3 days without purging sigh)

I can feel the pounds piling on and I don’t know what to do. My mind is a mess. Exams are next week but I don’t know the contents of my subjects because I haven’t been fuelling my brain properly for it to operate. I am dying inside but no one knows! The pressure is on. Someone stab me please.

Failing

Hit rock bottom today.

My mind is a fucking pain in the ass to deal with, I can’t eat anything without logging it onto Cron-o-meter first. I can’t allow myself to feel contentment because I long the feeling of hunger.

Since I’ve admitted to more people about me being vegan, they have started to put me down, and shame veganism. I can’t believe how people are minded in a way that my choice of lifestyle is significant to their lives? Like honestly it does not affect them at all. I am doing my part to save the planet – if you don’t support me, that’s fine, but your abashment is absolutely unnecessary.

My mental state is a mess, it’s already extremely difficult to cope. It is no help AT ALL that people are making ignorant comments about veganism and my diet, that I obviously take personally, which simply makes me feel useless and inadequate.

It makes no sense to shame a person’s lifestyle, let alone someone who struggles immensely with food and terrible self-hate. It’s ridiculously disheartening and damaging.

I feel so attacked and useless right now, all I want to do is bury myself in a hole and rot. I have no significance in the world and I’m a waste of space.

Nobody is proud of me so I might as well just give up.

TW

I haven’t gone more than 2 days without purging. I feel weak and shaky all the damn time, but proudly unstoppable.

Reassurance

Everything is wrong…Nothing is going the way that they’re supposed to. I can’t do this anymore.

But I wouldn’t want anyone to feel this way!! Ever. Because I know how much it hurts and breaks me from the inside. ..So I stole a few motivational and somewhat uplifting images from Tumblr and just thought I’d share it on here, for both myself and anyone who needs it. I hope that you’re all okay and just know that you are not alone. Most importantly, it’s okay to not be okay.

Remember that. I promise that you are worth it. Please take care of yourself like you would take care of somebody else going through the same thing. (Don’t beat yourself up over it) ❤

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Take some time to pamper yourself – have a cup of coffee/tea, read a book, take a nap, enjoy a bath, eat some chocolate, do whatever your heart desires.

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No one’s perfect!

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Listen to this cute giraffe okay? 🙂

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It will be difficult but I hope you take care of yourself. This journey will undoubtedly be a struggle, we are in this together!

Eating Numbers

When I look at food, all that comes to mind are the numbers of calories, fats, carbs, and proteins that it has – and that’s not okay. Food nourishes our bodies, and satisfies our mind/cravings, it should never be torturing nor stressful to deal with. Food is fuel, and it should not be defined by numbers. Same with humans, our worth is not – and should never be – defined by numbers.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have to learn to see food like normal people. We have to learn to choose meals by listening to our cravings and not choosing the lowest cal/fat/carb option every single time. Sure, sometimes we’ll crave a salad, and that’s okay, but sometimes we just have to give in to what we’re craving, be it a cooke or a fricking pizza. BUT it’s not that easy. In fact, it’s not easy at all. Our disordered eating have brought us a fear of food and calories, have made us think that the lower the numbers, the better. (same with our weight and Instagram likes…) But should numbers ever be such a big part of our lives? Never!! I thought we all hated math? hahaha…

Anyhow, I just want to learn to live my life without thinking about food every single second of the day. I want to enjoy eating out with my family and friends. I want to learn to eat what I want without feeling the guilt. I just want to be normal and eat food, not numbers.

Lots of love x

Pointless Post

I have been struggling so much recently. Everything is spiralling downwards – it just hurts so much, you know? I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I honestly have no motivation to do anything. Finals are next week and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. I honestly want to blog more but I literally don’t have the energy to concentrate on writing anything legible.

Hello World!

Hello internet people! This is my first blog post and I’m rather nervous about it. I’m not that good in expressing myself so just bare with me, okay? I’m an introvert and an aspiring vegan – not that it matters. Some days I’m the flowery white dress kind of girl, but most of the time I wear whatever the hell I want – which most of the time is, black. I have brownish black hair and brown eyes. I feel very uncomfortable laughing out loud because I feel like my smile exposes myself to the world, making me vulnerable and breakable. It probably doesn’t make any logical sense at all, but that’s truthfully what I feel. In fact, my mind is completely consumed by horrible dark thoughts, which makes me a pain in the ass to be with, and I am absolutely ashamed of it. It bugs me a whole lot that I can never spill out my feelings or just be honest about myself because of how insecure I feel about my entire existence – I probably shouldn’t because who the hell cares what other people think? But to not consider the judgement or criticism that I might get from other people is much easier said than done. Everything I say has to be thought over two, three times in my head beforehand, just to make sure I don’t screw up, and everything I do must be pre-planned, or else I’ll panic and have a giant meltdown. Spontaneous events are just not my thing. Food is another huge obstacle that I stress about 24/7. I think about it all day uncontrollably and I get extremely anxious during mealtimes. The types and amounts of food that I eat is very much the same everyday, which is by the way, not a lot. I don’t strictly count calories but I do estimate and roughly guess my daily intakes. If I ever go over a certain amount of calories (not mentioning the exact amount because of trigger issues), I’d feel worthless and horrible and fat and disgusting and I hate it. It’s not normal. It’s not fun. It forbids me from having fun and enjoying my teenage life, pulling me apart from my friends. I want to get better and I want to reclaim my life back. I do not deserve to be condemned under this constant battle, I deserve to be free. It’s not going to be easy, it really isn’t, but I will try. I will fall and I will most certainly have dreadful days where I do not have the strength to get back up. It’s okay. I’m human, and we all have bad days. (as aforementioned, I want to become a vegan so I would be more comfortable with eating!)

Okay this has been a complete mess and I have been ranting for quite a bit now so I guess I’ll go practice my blogging skills and try to learn how to structure my next blogpost, haha!  I hope to meet more friends on this blogging community and hopefully come across people who I can relate to… Feel free to share your blogs as well, I’d love to read your writing! Catch ‘ya later! x