Failing

Hit rock bottom today.

My mind is a fucking pain in the ass to deal with, I can’t eat anything without logging it onto Cron-o-meter first. I can’t allow myself to feel contentment because I long the feeling of hunger.

Since I’ve admitted to more people about me being vegan, they have started to put me down, and shame veganism. I can’t believe how people are minded in a way that my choice of lifestyle is significant to their lives? Like honestly it does not affect them at all. I am doing my part to save the planet – if you don’t support me, that’s fine, but your abashment is absolutely unnecessary.

My mental state is a mess, it’s already extremely difficult to cope. It is no help AT ALL that people are making ignorant comments about veganism and my diet, that I obviously take personally, which simply makes me feel useless and inadequate.

It makes no sense to shame a person’s lifestyle, let alone someone who struggles immensely with food and terrible self-hate. It’s ridiculously disheartening and damaging.

I feel so attacked and useless right now, all I want to do is bury myself in a hole and rot. I have no significance in the world and I’m a waste of space.

Nobody is proud of me so I might as well just give up.

TW

I haven’t gone more than 2 days without purging. I feel weak and shaky all the damn time, but proudly unstoppable.

Dealing With Triggers

It is inevitable that many things trigger our manipulative ED thoughts, such as people around us talking about dieting, skipping meals for fun, how ‘fat’ they’ve become etc….Sometimes topics like these are just a pain in the arse to sit through and listen, without it feeling like being stabbed ten times hard.

It is extremely common (well for me at least..) for people to comment on your weight, whether it be a ‘compliment’ on your ‘weight loss’ or a criticism on how ‘pale and lifeless’ you look. These are all huge triggers that makes us think that our actions are justified (i.e. it is okay to purge/restrict and you look so much better when you’re boney, or that you don’t deserve recovery).. but that’s not the case. It is not okay to purge. It is not okay to restrict. It is not okay to give in to any ED behaviors.

You do not need to be skinny and dying. You need to be healthy and happy. You have to recover.

When you hear other people discussing about their new ‘diet’ or the ‘plans that they have to build a summer body’, remember that they have not been through extreme starvation like you have, and that they probably (most definitely) won’t be sticking to it because they are all extremely unsustainable and stupid diet fads that don’t work! If your friends eat less than you during one meal, it doesn’t mean that they are starving themselves.. they have substantial amount of energy and food in their system because they have not been through a phase of restriction. It is COMPLETELY normal for us to feel much more hunger than ‘normal people’ do because our body simply needs more nutrients than them to repair our entire body. It requires a certain amount of food to keep you alive and you shall consume the food that it needs.

You may worry about judgements being made on your eating habits or body appearance but I can tell you that nobody really notices, it’s just your irrational thoughts telling you otherwise. I am 100% sure that other people will not be looking at your body and commenting on the ‘flaws’ that you see, because they don’t exist – again it’s your ED fooling you! Food is fuel and you need fuel to repair your fab body!

Try not to take note of the things that other people say, and certainly do not compare yourself to others. They do not have to repair and recover because they have not done any severe harm to their bodies, but sadly you have – and you need as much energy that you can possibly get so that your body can recover properly. Triggers are everywhere but you just have to fight them with your strength and determination of a strong recovery.

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🙂 x

How To Be Strong

How to be strong? I’m still in the process of searching for an answer to that.. tips, anyone?

My mental state of mind has been HORRIFIC these days, I am losing my strength to keep it together. For the sake of my family, I put on a smile everyday, and for the sake of my friends, I try to not be a downer every single day. But the strength to please everyone is slowly fading away.. I don’t know how to be strong anymore.

There is so much going on in my life that I cannot bear to contextualize, I feel so alone, so weak… In addition to that, I’m leaving for America in 2 weeks. That is honestly both terrifying and anxiety provoking. I’m attending a summer course at Brown University (anybody going? I need to feel some sort of security ahh omg), but what if I don’t make any friends there? What if I get made fun of? What if I’m not good enough? What if I am completely incapable of coping with reaching American standards? (I’m obviously not American so) What if the teacher hates me? What if my room mate refuses to be my friend? Oh my, what if I mess everything up and embarrass myself on the FIRST DAY?

WOW my mind is literally flooding with stress and worry right now.

Oh and, EVERY SINGLE DAY I wake up way too early and can never fall back asleep. I constantly feel a throbbing pain on my chest, and absolutely I hate going to school. (I hate interacting with people..scary)

AH I just hope that I had a friend who understands my situation.. but truthfully I could never rant to anybody because I’d feel awful bothering them… so I guess blogging will do.

I’m so sorry for the extreme negativity… it has been a tough week for me.

But I hope you are all doing okay. Lots of love x