Suicidal thoughts are back and anxiety is getting bad again! I don’t know how much longer I can endure this recover – relapse cycle for, but certainly not long. It’s just so hard existing with such a negative mindset and an obstructive mental disorder. I don’t even think I deserve to call it a ‘disorder’ since I have not been diagnosed at all, although physically I am sick, and mentally I am ill. I no longer have a passion for blogging, which is absolutely staggering because it was the only way of disentangling myself with reality, but now I lose myself every day to the ‘disorder.’ From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, the voice constantly yells at me and makes me feel horrible about myself, but I don’t know how to fight it, I can’t do this anymore, I just don’t know anymore. help.
When I look at food, all that comes to mind are the numbers of calories, fats, carbs, and proteins that it has – and that’s not okay. Food nourishes our bodies, and satisfies our mind/cravings, it should never be torturing nor stressful to deal with. Food is fuel, and it should not be defined by numbers. Same with humans, our worth is not – and should never be – defined by numbers.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have to learn to see food like normal people. We have to learn to choose meals by listening to our cravings and not choosing the lowest cal/fat/carb option every single time. Sure, sometimes we’ll crave a salad, and that’s okay, but sometimes we just have to give in to what we’re craving, be it a cooke or a fricking pizza. BUT it’s not that easy. In fact, it’s not easy at all. Our disordered eating have brought us a fear of food and calories, have made us think that the lower the numbers, the better. (same with our weight and Instagram likes…) But should numbers ever be such a big part of our lives? Never!! I thought we all hated math? hahaha…
Anyhow, I just want to learn to live my life without thinking about food every single second of the day. I want to enjoy eating out with my family and friends. I want to learn to eat what I want without feeling the guilt. I just want to be normal and eat food, not numbers.