I AM SO SCARED

I’m so scared of living. I’m so scared of myself. I’m so scared of what I’ve become. I’m so scared of everything

I can’t calm myself down

I can’t stop my mind from battling itself

I can’t stop thinking about dying

I can’t stop panicking internally

I can’t stop myself from cutting

I can’t stop myself from hating myself

I can’t enjoy anything

I don’t want to be in my own skin anymore

I just want to escape and never come back

Failing

Hit rock bottom today.

My mind is a fucking pain in the ass to deal with, I can’t eat anything without logging it onto Cron-o-meter first. I can’t allow myself to feel contentment because I long the feeling of hunger.

Since I’ve admitted to more people about me being vegan, they have started to put me down, and shame veganism. I can’t believe how people are minded in a way that my choice of lifestyle is significant to their lives? Like honestly it does not affect them at all. I am doing my part to save the planet – if you don’t support me, that’s fine, but your abashment is absolutely unnecessary.

My mental state is a mess, it’s already extremely difficult to cope. It is no help AT ALL that people are making ignorant comments about veganism and my diet, that I obviously take personally, which simply makes me feel useless and inadequate.

It makes no sense to shame a person’s lifestyle, let alone someone who struggles immensely with food and terrible self-hate. It’s ridiculously disheartening and damaging.

I feel so attacked and useless right now, all I want to do is bury myself in a hole and rot. I have no significance in the world and I’m a waste of space.

Nobody is proud of me so I might as well just give up.

TW

I haven’t gone more than 2 days without purging. I feel weak and shaky all the damn time, but proudly unstoppable.

Dealing With Triggers

It is inevitable that many things trigger our manipulative ED thoughts, such as people around us talking about dieting, skipping meals for fun, how ‘fat’ they’ve become etc….Sometimes topics like these are just a pain in the arse to sit through and listen, without it feeling like being stabbed ten times hard.

It is extremely common (well for me at least..) for people to comment on your weight, whether it be a ‘compliment’ on your ‘weight loss’ or a criticism on how ‘pale and lifeless’ you look. These are all huge triggers that makes us think that our actions are justified (i.e. it is okay to purge/restrict and you look so much better when you’re boney, or that you don’t deserve recovery).. but that’s not the case. It is not okay to purge. It is not okay to restrict. It is not okay to give in to any ED behaviors.

You do not need to be skinny and dying. You need to be healthy and happy. You have to recover.

When you hear other people discussing about their new ‘diet’ or the ‘plans that they have to build a summer body’, remember that they have not been through extreme starvation like you have, and that they probably (most definitely) won’t be sticking to it because they are all extremely unsustainable and stupid diet fads that don’t work! If your friends eat less than you during one meal, it doesn’t mean that they are starving themselves.. they have substantial amount of energy and food in their system because they have not been through a phase of restriction. It is COMPLETELY normal for us to feel much more hunger than ‘normal people’ do because our body simply needs more nutrients than them to repair our entire body. It requires a certain amount of food to keep you alive and you shall consume the food that it needs.

You may worry about judgements being made on your eating habits or body appearance but I can tell you that nobody really notices, it’s just your irrational thoughts telling you otherwise. I am 100% sure that other people will not be looking at your body and commenting on the ‘flaws’ that you see, because they don’t exist – again it’s your ED fooling you! Food is fuel and you need fuel to repair your fab body!

Try not to take note of the things that other people say, and certainly do not compare yourself to others. They do not have to repair and recover because they have not done any severe harm to their bodies, but sadly you have – and you need as much energy that you can possibly get so that your body can recover properly. Triggers are everywhere but you just have to fight them with your strength and determination of a strong recovery.

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🙂 x

Reassurance

Everything is wrong…Nothing is going the way that they’re supposed to. I can’t do this anymore.

But I wouldn’t want anyone to feel this way!! Ever. Because I know how much it hurts and breaks me from the inside. ..So I stole a few motivational and somewhat uplifting images from Tumblr and just thought I’d share it on here, for both myself and anyone who needs it. I hope that you’re all okay and just know that you are not alone. Most importantly, it’s okay to not be okay.

Remember that. I promise that you are worth it. Please take care of yourself like you would take care of somebody else going through the same thing. (Don’t beat yourself up over it) ❤

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Take some time to pamper yourself – have a cup of coffee/tea, read a book, take a nap, enjoy a bath, eat some chocolate, do whatever your heart desires.

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No one’s perfect!

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Listen to this cute giraffe okay? 🙂

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It will be difficult but I hope you take care of yourself. This journey will undoubtedly be a struggle, we are in this together!

Hello World!

Hello internet people! This is my first blog post and I’m rather nervous about it. I’m not that good in expressing myself so just bare with me, okay? I’m an introvert and an aspiring vegan – not that it matters. Some days I’m the flowery white dress kind of girl, but most of the time I wear whatever the hell I want – which most of the time is, black. I have brownish black hair and brown eyes. I feel very uncomfortable laughing out loud because I feel like my smile exposes myself to the world, making me vulnerable and breakable. It probably doesn’t make any logical sense at all, but that’s truthfully what I feel. In fact, my mind is completely consumed by horrible dark thoughts, which makes me a pain in the ass to be with, and I am absolutely ashamed of it. It bugs me a whole lot that I can never spill out my feelings or just be honest about myself because of how insecure I feel about my entire existence – I probably shouldn’t because who the hell cares what other people think? But to not consider the judgement or criticism that I might get from other people is much easier said than done. Everything I say has to be thought over two, three times in my head beforehand, just to make sure I don’t screw up, and everything I do must be pre-planned, or else I’ll panic and have a giant meltdown. Spontaneous events are just not my thing. Food is another huge obstacle that I stress about 24/7. I think about it all day uncontrollably and I get extremely anxious during mealtimes. The types and amounts of food that I eat is very much the same everyday, which is by the way, not a lot. I don’t strictly count calories but I do estimate and roughly guess my daily intakes. If I ever go over a certain amount of calories (not mentioning the exact amount because of trigger issues), I’d feel worthless and horrible and fat and disgusting and I hate it. It’s not normal. It’s not fun. It forbids me from having fun and enjoying my teenage life, pulling me apart from my friends. I want to get better and I want to reclaim my life back. I do not deserve to be condemned under this constant battle, I deserve to be free. It’s not going to be easy, it really isn’t, but I will try. I will fall and I will most certainly have dreadful days where I do not have the strength to get back up. It’s okay. I’m human, and we all have bad days. (as aforementioned, I want to become a vegan so I would be more comfortable with eating!)

Okay this has been a complete mess and I have been ranting for quite a bit now so I guess I’ll go practice my blogging skills and try to learn how to structure my next blogpost, haha!  I hope to meet more friends on this blogging community and hopefully come across people who I can relate to… Feel free to share your blogs as well, I’d love to read your writing! Catch ‘ya later! x