Failing

Hit rock bottom today.

My mind is a fucking pain in the ass to deal with, I can’t eat anything without logging it onto Cron-o-meter first. I can’t allow myself to feel contentment because I long the feeling of hunger.

Since I’ve admitted to more people about me being vegan, they have started to put me down, and shame veganism. I can’t believe how people are minded in a way that my choice of lifestyle is significant to their lives? Like honestly it does not affect them at all. I am doing my part to save the planet – if you don’t support me, that’s fine, but your abashment is absolutely unnecessary.

My mental state is a mess, it’s already extremely difficult to cope. It is no help AT ALL that people are making ignorant comments about veganism and my diet, that I obviously take personally, which simply makes me feel useless and inadequate.

It makes no sense to shame a person’s lifestyle, let alone someone who struggles immensely with food and terrible self-hate. It’s ridiculously disheartening and damaging.

I feel so attacked and useless right now, all I want to do is bury myself in a hole and rot. I have no significance in the world and I’m a waste of space.

Nobody is proud of me so I might as well just give up.

TW

I haven’t gone more than 2 days without purging. I feel weak and shaky all the damn time, but proudly unstoppable.

Giving Up

I’m in denial of my eating disorder. I am frail but I refuse to acknowledge the needs of my weak body. My insides are failing and dying but I disregard their screams for nourishment. My head is all over the place but I dismiss my severely troubled mind. I have ruined all my friendships but I ignore every opportunity to fix them. I have no motivation to do anything and I am giving up on life. I am in denial of my struggles, I disdain myself.

*Trigger Warning* –

purged two times today but i ate afterwards so i am a fraud. i don’t have the willpower to starve after throwing up. i am fat and unworthy of recovery. sorry.