I’M BACK!! ..but not better

Hey guys.. sorry for being MIA for the past two months, (not that anyone really follow my blog though)… I have been going through an extremely hard time and just couldn’t bring myself to write anything, not even in my own diary. (which is ridiculous because I love journalling) I guess that was just me trying to block out the challenges that I’ve been facing, in my attempt to make myself forget this part of my life. Unfortunately, this is reality, and I have to accept that this is my own life, and only I am responsible for dealing with it. I’ve done so much harm to both my physical and mental health that I’m a completely different person now.

Quick update: (TW sorry) Since my health is so SO bad after restricting and purging and all that, I have decided to ‘recover’ although I am undiagnosed of anything.  I am completely aware of the health issues that I am dealing with right now and my mental state is currently all over the place. This ‘recovery’ process has not been going very well though… I purge every few days and I can’t help it. There were several times where I’ve managed to fight the urges, but most of the time I give in…which is horrible because my concentration is completely off, and I can’t finish any school work. (in fact I have an assignment due tomorrow and I’ve spent half of today making zero progress on it, because I CAN’T THINK PROPERLY.) Classes are also super hard to get through.. with constant headaches and helplessly drifting away. My hair is brittle and falling off so quickly, my eyes are puffy, my bones stick out and bruise my skin, I can’t wear jeans because they’re too loose, many of my clothes just hang off me, and my boobs are pretty much non-existent. I’ve lost my period for 7 months now, my depression is getting worse, my social anxiety is getting worse. There is obviously a lot more to the list, but I can’t think of anymore right now, so I’ll leave it at that. All in all, I really really want the old me back, my energy back, my grades back up, and I want to grow taller. Quite frankly I’m so fed up with this thing that’s making me scared of eating, and scared of listening to my body. I labelled myself as ‘recovering,’ but I really wasn’t eating a lot more – certainly not enough to repair the damage done. I can’t get my mental state back together and I have no idea where this blogpost is going..

Sigh. I don’t know where my life is going either. I’ll update y’all more frequently and I hope for more people to join me on my journey! I’ll try to be more consistent with my blogposts and I WILL TRY TO BE POSITIVE! Sorry for the depressing post but I felt like I had to get that off my chest, although it’s only a small part of it, but that’s okay. I’ll survive. Stay strong babes!

Lots of love x

Advertisements

Dealing With Triggers

It is inevitable that many things trigger our manipulative ED thoughts, such as people around us talking about dieting, skipping meals for fun, how ‘fat’ they’ve become etc….Sometimes topics like these are just a pain in the arse to sit through and listen, without it feeling like being stabbed ten times hard.

It is extremely common (well for me at least..) for people to comment on your weight, whether it be a ‘compliment’ on your ‘weight loss’ or a criticism on how ‘pale and lifeless’ you look. These are all huge triggers that makes us think that our actions are justified (i.e. it is okay to purge/restrict and you look so much better when you’re boney, or that you don’t deserve recovery).. but that’s not the case. It is not okay to purge. It is not okay to restrict. It is not okay to give in to any ED behaviors.

You do not need to be skinny and dying. You need to be healthy and happy. You have to recover.

When you hear other people discussing about their new ‘diet’ or the ‘plans that they have to build a summer body’, remember that they have not been through extreme starvation like you have, and that they probably (most definitely) won’t be sticking to it because they are all extremely unsustainable and stupid diet fads that don’t work! If your friends eat less than you during one meal, it doesn’t mean that they are starving themselves.. they have substantial amount of energy and food in their system because they have not been through a phase of restriction. It is COMPLETELY normal for us to feel much more hunger than ‘normal people’ do because our body simply needs more nutrients than them to repair our entire body. It requires a certain amount of food to keep you alive and you shall consume the food that it needs.

You may worry about judgements being made on your eating habits or body appearance but I can tell you that nobody really notices, it’s just your irrational thoughts telling you otherwise. I am 100% sure that other people will not be looking at your body and commenting on the ‘flaws’ that you see, because they don’t exist – again it’s your ED fooling you! Food is fuel and you need fuel to repair your fab body!

Try not to take note of the things that other people say, and certainly do not compare yourself to others. They do not have to repair and recover because they have not done any severe harm to their bodies, but sadly you have – and you need as much energy that you can possibly get so that your body can recover properly. Triggers are everywhere but you just have to fight them with your strength and determination of a strong recovery.

tumblr_np5zfcP5XH1rc9mw1o1_500

🙂 x

Hello World!

Hello internet people! This is my first blog post and I’m rather nervous about it. I’m not that good in expressing myself so just bare with me, okay? I’m an introvert and an aspiring vegan – not that it matters. Some days I’m the flowery white dress kind of girl, but most of the time I wear whatever the hell I want – which most of the time is, black. I have brownish black hair and brown eyes. I feel very uncomfortable laughing out loud because I feel like my smile exposes myself to the world, making me vulnerable and breakable. It probably doesn’t make any logical sense at all, but that’s truthfully what I feel. In fact, my mind is completely consumed by horrible dark thoughts, which makes me a pain in the ass to be with, and I am absolutely ashamed of it. It bugs me a whole lot that I can never spill out my feelings or just be honest about myself because of how insecure I feel about my entire existence – I probably shouldn’t because who the hell cares what other people think? But to not consider the judgement or criticism that I might get from other people is much easier said than done. Everything I say has to be thought over two, three times in my head beforehand, just to make sure I don’t screw up, and everything I do must be pre-planned, or else I’ll panic and have a giant meltdown. Spontaneous events are just not my thing. Food is another huge obstacle that I stress about 24/7. I think about it all day uncontrollably and I get extremely anxious during mealtimes. The types and amounts of food that I eat is very much the same everyday, which is by the way, not a lot. I don’t strictly count calories but I do estimate and roughly guess my daily intakes. If I ever go over a certain amount of calories (not mentioning the exact amount because of trigger issues), I’d feel worthless and horrible and fat and disgusting and I hate it. It’s not normal. It’s not fun. It forbids me from having fun and enjoying my teenage life, pulling me apart from my friends. I want to get better and I want to reclaim my life back. I do not deserve to be condemned under this constant battle, I deserve to be free. It’s not going to be easy, it really isn’t, but I will try. I will fall and I will most certainly have dreadful days where I do not have the strength to get back up. It’s okay. I’m human, and we all have bad days. (as aforementioned, I want to become a vegan so I would be more comfortable with eating!)

Okay this has been a complete mess and I have been ranting for quite a bit now so I guess I’ll go practice my blogging skills and try to learn how to structure my next blogpost, haha!  I hope to meet more friends on this blogging community and hopefully come across people who I can relate to… Feel free to share your blogs as well, I’d love to read your writing! Catch ‘ya later! x