I AM SO SCARED

I’m so scared of living. I’m so scared of myself. I’m so scared of what I’ve become. I’m so scared of everything

I can’t calm myself down

I can’t stop my mind from battling itself

I can’t stop thinking about dying

I can’t stop panicking internally

I can’t stop myself from cutting

I can’t stop myself from hating myself

I can’t enjoy anything

I don’t want to be in my own skin anymore

I just want to escape and never come back

Relapsing(?)

It’s getting worse and worse. I’ve been eating a little more than I’m used to, but the voices are stronger than ever. These couple days have been the hardest. I gave in to urges several times… (still haven’t gone more than 3 days without purging sigh)

I can feel the pounds piling on and I don’t know what to do. My mind is a mess. Exams are next week but I don’t know the contents of my subjects because I haven’t been fuelling my brain properly for it to operate. I am dying inside but no one knows! The pressure is on. Someone stab me please.

Eating Numbers

When I look at food, all that comes to mind are the numbers of calories, fats, carbs, and proteins that it has – and that’s not okay. Food nourishes our bodies, and satisfies our mind/cravings, it should never be torturing nor stressful to deal with. Food is fuel, and it should not be defined by numbers. Same with humans, our worth is not – and should never be – defined by numbers.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have to learn to see food like normal people. We have to learn to choose meals by listening to our cravings and not choosing the lowest cal/fat/carb option every single time. Sure, sometimes we’ll crave a salad, and that’s okay, but sometimes we just have to give in to what we’re craving, be it a cooke or a fricking pizza. BUT it’s not that easy. In fact, it’s not easy at all. Our disordered eating have brought us a fear of food and calories, have made us think that the lower the numbers, the better. (same with our weight and Instagram likes…) But should numbers ever be such a big part of our lives? Never!! I thought we all hated math? hahaha…

Anyhow, I just want to learn to live my life without thinking about food every single second of the day. I want to enjoy eating out with my family and friends. I want to learn to eat what I want without feeling the guilt. I just want to be normal and eat food, not numbers.

Lots of love x

Pointless Post

I have been struggling so much recently. Everything is spiralling downwards – it just hurts so much, you know? I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I honestly have no motivation to do anything. Finals are next week and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. I honestly want to blog more but I literally don’t have the energy to concentrate on writing anything legible.