What has my life come to?

– sincere apologies for the extreme negativity –

I have lost my motivation and energy to live

I have lost my positivity

I have lost my friendliness and personality

I don’t want to see anyone anymore

I don’t want to talk to anybody

I just want to be alone

I am in the depths of my eating disorder with a love-hate relationship for it

I am obsessed with the feeling of emptiness and the sensation of being hungry

I have an irrational conceptualization of calories eaten and burnt

It’s getting absolutely absurd and my life is ridiculous

I am hopeless… I don’t deserve support or help or anything other than to die

Eating Numbers

When I look at food, all that comes to mind are the numbers of calories, fats, carbs, and proteins that it has – and that’s not okay. Food nourishes our bodies, and satisfies our mind/cravings, it should never be torturing nor stressful to deal with. Food is fuel, and it should not be defined by numbers. Same with humans, our worth is not – and should never be – defined by numbers.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we have to learn to see food like normal people. We have to learn to choose meals by listening to our cravings and not choosing the lowest cal/fat/carb option every single time. Sure, sometimes we’ll crave a salad, and that’s okay, but sometimes we just have to give in to what we’re craving, be it a cooke or a fricking pizza. BUT it’s not that easy. In fact, it’s not easy at all. Our disordered eating have brought us a fear of food and calories, have made us think that the lower the numbers, the better. (same with our weight and Instagram likes…) But should numbers ever be such a big part of our lives? Never!! I thought we all hated math? hahaha…

Anyhow, I just want to learn to live my life without thinking about food every single second of the day. I want to enjoy eating out with my family and friends. I want to learn to eat what I want without feeling the guilt. I just want to be normal and eat food, not numbers.

Lots of love x