I AM SO SCARED

I’m so scared of living. I’m so scared of myself. I’m so scared of what I’ve become. I’m so scared of everything

I can’t calm myself down

I can’t stop my mind from battling itself

I can’t stop thinking about dying

I can’t stop panicking internally

I can’t stop myself from cutting

I can’t stop myself from hating myself

I can’t enjoy anything

I don’t want to be in my own skin anymore

I just want to escape and never come back

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Relapsing(?)

It’s getting worse and worse. I’ve been eating a little more than I’m used to, but the voices are stronger than ever. These couple days have been the hardest. I gave in to urges several times… (still haven’t gone more than 3 days without purging sigh)

I can feel the pounds piling on and I don’t know what to do. My mind is a mess. Exams are next week but I don’t know the contents of my subjects because I haven’t been fuelling my brain properly for it to operate. I am dying inside but no one knows! The pressure is on. Someone stab me please.

Failing

Hit rock bottom today.

My mind is a fucking pain in the ass to deal with, I can’t eat anything without logging it onto Cron-o-meter first. I can’t allow myself to feel contentment because I long the feeling of hunger.

Since I’ve admitted to more people about me being vegan, they have started to put me down, and shame veganism. I can’t believe how people are minded in a way that my choice of lifestyle is significant to their lives? Like honestly it does not affect them at all. I am doing my part to save the planet – if you don’t support me, that’s fine, but your abashment is absolutely unnecessary.

My mental state is a mess, it’s already extremely difficult to cope. It is no help AT ALL that people are making ignorant comments about veganism and my diet, that I obviously take personally, which simply makes me feel useless and inadequate.

It makes no sense to shame a person’s lifestyle, let alone someone who struggles immensely with food and terrible self-hate. It’s ridiculously disheartening and damaging.

I feel so attacked and useless right now, all I want to do is bury myself in a hole and rot. I have no significance in the world and I’m a waste of space.

Nobody is proud of me so I might as well just give up.

TW

I haven’t gone more than 2 days without purging. I feel weak and shaky all the damn time, but proudly unstoppable.

I don’t know anymore

There’s nothing left for me to live for anymore…

Suicidal thoughts are back and anxiety is getting bad again! I don’t know how much longer I can endure this recover – relapse cycle for, but certainly not long. It’s just so hard existing with such a negative mindset and an obstructive mental disorder. I don’t even think I deserve to call it a ‘disorder’ since I have not been diagnosed at all, although physically I am sick, and mentally I am ill. I no longer have a passion for blogging, which is absolutely staggering because it was the only way of disentangling myself with reality, but now I lose myself every day to the ‘disorder.’ From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, the voice constantly yells at me and makes me feel horrible about myself, but I don’t know how to fight it, I can’t do this anymore, I just don’t know anymore. help.

I’M BACK!! ..but not better

Hey guys.. sorry for being MIA for the past two months, (not that anyone really follow my blog though)… I have been going through an extremely hard time and just couldn’t bring myself to write anything, not even in my own diary. (which is ridiculous because I love journalling) I guess that was just me trying to block out the challenges that I’ve been facing, in my attempt to make myself forget this part of my life. Unfortunately, this is reality, and I have to accept that this is my own life, and only I am responsible for dealing with it. I’ve done so much harm to both my physical and mental health that I’m a completely different person now.

Quick update: (TW sorry) Since my health is so SO bad after restricting and purging and all that, I have decided to ‘recover’ although I am undiagnosed of anything.  I am completely aware of the health issues that I am dealing with right now and my mental state is currently all over the place. This ‘recovery’ process has not been going very well though… I purge every few days and I can’t help it. There were several times where I’ve managed to fight the urges, but most of the time I give in…which is horrible because my concentration is completely off, and I can’t finish any school work. (in fact I have an assignment due tomorrow and I’ve spent half of today making zero progress on it, because I CAN’T THINK PROPERLY.) Classes are also super hard to get through.. with constant headaches and helplessly drifting away. My hair is brittle and falling off so quickly, my eyes are puffy, my bones stick out and bruise my skin, I can’t wear jeans because they’re too loose, many of my clothes just hang off me, and my boobs are pretty much non-existent. I’ve lost my period for 7 months now, my depression is getting worse, my social anxiety is getting worse. There is obviously a lot more to the list, but I can’t think of anymore right now, so I’ll leave it at that. All in all, I really really want the old me back, my energy back, my grades back up, and I want to grow taller. Quite frankly I’m so fed up with this thing that’s making me scared of eating, and scared of listening to my body. I labelled myself as ‘recovering,’ but I really wasn’t eating a lot more – certainly not enough to repair the damage done. I can’t get my mental state back together and I have no idea where this blogpost is going..

Sigh. I don’t know where my life is going either. I’ll update y’all more frequently and I hope for more people to join me on my journey! I’ll try to be more consistent with my blogposts and I WILL TRY TO BE POSITIVE! Sorry for the depressing post but I felt like I had to get that off my chest, although it’s only a small part of it, but that’s okay. I’ll survive. Stay strong babes!

Lots of love x

How To Be Strong

How to be strong? I’m still in the process of searching for an answer to that.. tips, anyone?

My mental state of mind has been HORRIFIC these days, I am losing my strength to keep it together. For the sake of my family, I put on a smile everyday, and for the sake of my friends, I try to not be a downer every single day. But the strength to please everyone is slowly fading away.. I don’t know how to be strong anymore.

There is so much going on in my life that I cannot bear to contextualize, I feel so alone, so weak… In addition to that, I’m leaving for America in 2 weeks. That is honestly both terrifying and anxiety provoking. I’m attending a summer course at Brown University (anybody going? I need to feel some sort of security ahh omg), but what if I don’t make any friends there? What if I get made fun of? What if I’m not good enough? What if I am completely incapable of coping with reaching American standards? (I’m obviously not American so) What if the teacher hates me? What if my room mate refuses to be my friend? Oh my, what if I mess everything up and embarrass myself on the FIRST DAY?

WOW my mind is literally flooding with stress and worry right now.

Oh and, EVERY SINGLE DAY I wake up way too early and can never fall back asleep. I constantly feel a throbbing pain on my chest, and absolutely I hate going to school. (I hate interacting with people..scary)

AH I just hope that I had a friend who understands my situation.. but truthfully I could never rant to anybody because I’d feel awful bothering them… so I guess blogging will do.

I’m so sorry for the extreme negativity… it has been a tough week for me.

But I hope you are all doing okay. Lots of love x