I AM SO SCARED

I’m so scared of living. I’m so scared of myself. I’m so scared of what I’ve become. I’m so scared of everything

I can’t calm myself down

I can’t stop my mind from battling itself

I can’t stop thinking about dying

I can’t stop panicking internally

I can’t stop myself from cutting

I can’t stop myself from hating myself

I can’t enjoy anything

I don’t want to be in my own skin anymore

I just want to escape and never come back

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Relapsing(?)

It’s getting worse and worse. I’ve been eating a little more than I’m used to, but the voices are stronger than ever. These couple days have been the hardest. I gave in to urges several times… (still haven’t gone more than 3 days without purging sigh)

I can feel the pounds piling on and I don’t know what to do. My mind is a mess. Exams are next week but I don’t know the contents of my subjects because I haven’t been fuelling my brain properly for it to operate. I am dying inside but no one knows! The pressure is on. Someone stab me please.

Failing

Hit rock bottom today.

My mind is a fucking pain in the ass to deal with, I can’t eat anything without logging it onto Cron-o-meter first. I can’t allow myself to feel contentment because I long the feeling of hunger.

Since I’ve admitted to more people about me being vegan, they have started to put me down, and shame veganism. I can’t believe how people are minded in a way that my choice of lifestyle is significant to their lives? Like honestly it does not affect them at all. I am doing my part to save the planet – if you don’t support me, that’s fine, but your abashment is absolutely unnecessary.

My mental state is a mess, it’s already extremely difficult to cope. It is no help AT ALL that people are making ignorant comments about veganism and my diet, that I obviously take personally, which simply makes me feel useless and inadequate.

It makes no sense to shame a person’s lifestyle, let alone someone who struggles immensely with food and terrible self-hate. It’s ridiculously disheartening and damaging.

I feel so attacked and useless right now, all I want to do is bury myself in a hole and rot. I have no significance in the world and I’m a waste of space.

Nobody is proud of me so I might as well just give up.

TW

I haven’t gone more than 2 days without purging. I feel weak and shaky all the damn time, but proudly unstoppable.

How To Be Strong

How to be strong? I’m still in the process of searching for an answer to that.. tips, anyone?

My mental state of mind has been HORRIFIC these days, I am losing my strength to keep it together. For the sake of my family, I put on a smile everyday, and for the sake of my friends, I try to not be a downer every single day. But the strength to please everyone is slowly fading away.. I don’t know how to be strong anymore.

There is so much going on in my life that I cannot bear to contextualize, I feel so alone, so weak… In addition to that, I’m leaving for America in 2 weeks. That is honestly both terrifying and anxiety provoking. I’m attending a summer course at Brown University (anybody going? I need to feel some sort of security ahh omg), but what if I don’t make any friends there? What if I get made fun of? What if I’m not good enough? What if I am completely incapable of coping with reaching American standards? (I’m obviously not American so) What if the teacher hates me? What if my room mate refuses to be my friend? Oh my, what if I mess everything up and embarrass myself on the FIRST DAY?

WOW my mind is literally flooding with stress and worry right now.

Oh and, EVERY SINGLE DAY I wake up way too early and can never fall back asleep. I constantly feel a throbbing pain on my chest, and absolutely I hate going to school. (I hate interacting with people..scary)

AH I just hope that I had a friend who understands my situation.. but truthfully I could never rant to anybody because I’d feel awful bothering them… so I guess blogging will do.

I’m so sorry for the extreme negativity… it has been a tough week for me.

But I hope you are all doing okay. Lots of love x

Pointless Post

I have been struggling so much recently. Everything is spiralling downwards – it just hurts so much, you know? I’m not sure what’s wrong with me but I honestly have no motivation to do anything. Finals are next week and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. I honestly want to blog more but I literally don’t have the energy to concentrate on writing anything legible.